Kill Switch Page 11

  Igloo liked to envision it as a system of taxis driving around a city. A satellite watching the city could observe a person wearing a trench coat and hat getting into a taxi, and it could observe that taxi driving around the city.

  If the taxi took the person directly to their destination, an observer watching through the satellite could figure out exactly where they were going. That was the old HTTPS model. The satellite observer couldn’t know exactly who the person was, but they could tell they had gone from location A to location Z.

  But in garlic routing, the taxi would drive a couple of blocks and then enter an underground garage, where there would be dozens of other taxis. The passengers would leave the taxi they came in on, and then pick another taxi that was headed in the general direction of their destination. Other passengers would also get into the taxi, but as everyone was wearing trench coats and hats pulled down of their faces, nobody could identify who got into which car. Then the taxis would leave, and drive a few blocks until they entered the next underground garage. Eventually everyone would get where they wanted to go. The satellite observer would see people leaving buildings and entering taxis, and leaving taxis and entering buildings, but they’d have no way to connect the person leaving location A with the person entering location Z.

  This made the work at each node far more computationally difficult. If Igloo had been trying to build this as a centralized service, it would be far too expensive to implement, because centralized servers had to be efficient. But at the edge of the network, where hundreds of millions of computers sat idle most of the time, there was a ludicrous amount of compute power doing nothing. The only way this could work was by harnessing the power of users’ computers.

  Igloo simulated thousands of nodes and watched as traffic flowed through the system. There were few things more satisfying than watching code in action. But suddenly packet latency spiked. The average time across the network shot up to ten seconds, then twenty, then a minute. The simulation glowed red in certain areas as nodes got overloaded, their queues of data to send and receive vastly exceeding their available bandwidth.

  Damn it. This kept happening. Every time she thought she had the traffic flowing reliably, it would melt down again. Her stomach grumbled, and she realized how late it was. She rubbed her eyes, felt crusties in the corners. She’d been staring at the screen too long. For every inch of progress, it felt like she still had a mile more to go.

  Wednesday was more banging her head against the wall. Every time she came back to the network traffic simulation, she’d get a different meltdown of the routing algorithm. She was grateful when she got a surprise message from Charlotte.

  Charlotte > Hey, just thinking about you.

  Igloo > I was thinking about you too. I’ve got a new toy in my bag.

  Charlotte > Oh yeah? What?

  Igloo > Are you sure you want to know?

  Charlotte > Tease. Yes, I do.

  Igloo > What are you going to give me if I tell you?

  The messaging ended up burning a significant portion of her morning. She asked again if Charlotte was available, but again the answer was no. Igloo was happy for the attention but puzzled. Why did Charlotte have time to text, but no time to get together? It was so frustrating.

  She got back to programming. She tried to enlist Ben and Diana, but they were busy with something else and couldn’t help out until tomorrow. She dug in alone for the rest of the day. By the time she went home that night her brain was sucked dry.

  In the back of her mind, she knew Essie was going out with Michael the next night, and she felt this pressure to make the evening with Essie memorable. But she was too drained from work to do anything more than cuddle in bed after a late dinner. She worried she was disappointing Essie, but she was numb with exhaustion. She lay there wondering how much exhaustion was legitimately due to work and how much was about feeling lost in her relationship. She’d somehow forgotten how to connect with Essie.

  On Thursday morning, Essie made breakfast as usual, and she felt herself tearing up at the thought of Essie sleeping over at Michael’s that night. She squashed the feelings down. She didn’t have time for a breakdown.

  After arriving at work, she spent a couple of hours with Ben and Diana, and they pointed out a few flaws in her traffic routing algorithms. She felt like an idiot for not spotting them herself. In the afternoon, she cranked on code. At one point she decided to stretch her legs and realized that everyone had left the office for the day.

  She had to face the fact that she was going home to an empty house. Part of her just wanted to stay at the office. She could work through the night.

  But she couldn’t do that. She had to face her fears. So she forced herself to go home. For a little while, she had fun: she had a hot fudge sundae for dinner and picked, at random, an old episode of Buffy. She studiously ignored the empty half of the bed next to her.

  By 1A.M., Igloo was exhausted, and realized that she was just trying to delay the inevitable. If she didn’t go to sleep, she could just pretend Essie wasn’t home yet. As soon as she got under the covers, she’d have to face the fact that she was sleeping alone tonight while Essie was on her third date with Michael in as many weeks.

  What the heck was Essie doing over at his place? Was she fucking him? Were they playing? She still didn’t even know what Michael’s kinks were, just that Essie said he was kinky and dominant.

  The idea of Essie submitting to anyone else made her feel sick.

  At some level, Igloo knew she wasn’t being fair. After all, she’d had sex with Charlotte, and it was only reasonable that Essie would get to do the same with someone else. But it had become abundantly clear that being emotionally capable of playing with others was not the same as being ready to handle your partner playing with others. Igloo hated that. She aspired to be better. She didn’t want to be insecure. And yet she was all the same.

  Poly also wreaked havoc with their D/s dynamic. The nature of dominance and submission meant that one partner had authority, if not in all areas of the relationship, then at least in some. Igloo and Essie had always functioned with an understanding that Igloo was in charge of all sexual matters. That was how they both liked it. For Essie to go off and have sex with other people or submit to them in a kink setting…it felt like a challenge to the authority transfer relationship they enjoyed, and Igloo didn’t know how to wrap her mind around that.

  She couldn’t think about it anymore. She tried forcing herself to focus on her laptop screen. No matter how hard she tried, the text remained blurry.

  She wiped away a tear, turned to Essie’s side of the bed, and found herself thinking about the first time Essie had slept over. Everything had been full of promise back then.

  That first night had been after a public play party. They’d come home, dead tired, but still turned on. They’d fucked, half dozing off at times.

  “Stay over,” Igloo murmured.

  Essie nodded, and curled an arm around her.

  In the morning, Igloo had woken to sunlight peeking in around the edges of her blackout curtains and a warm body behind her, spooning her. Essie.

  Igloo turned over, excited to have a moment to watch Essie sleep, but Essie was already propped up on one arm, staring at her.

  “You’re cute when you sleep.”

  Igloo put one finger on Essie’s lips, then leaned forward and kissed her.

  Essie played with Igloo’s hair with one hand, and Igloo felt herself drifting back to sleep.

  She fought the feeling, then checked her phone.

  “I have to go to work in a bit,” Igloo said

  “Want me to make you coffee before you go?”

  “Uh, no thanks.” The thought of someone else touching her coffee setup was alarming.

  “Relax, I trained at Monogram. I already checked out your equipment. I assure you it isn’t too complicated for me.”

  “But…”

  “Stay in bed and relax.”

  It was strange to lie i
n bed and have someone else take care of her in her own place.

  She woke with a start and realized she had fallen back asleep. She looked up to find Essie kneeling on the bed, coffee held in the palm of one hand, steadied with her other hand, head bowed.

  Her eyes followed the curves of Essie’s body, the way her shoulders met her neck, the line of her ribs, her stomach. The crease where her legs met her torso, leading the gaze down between Essie’s legs. But the physicality of it was nothing compared to the way she kept her gaze down, and waited, waited for Igloo. Her pose said that she’d wait there all day if necessary.

  She stroked Essie’s arm and took the cup.

  “Thank you.”

  Essie smiled and slipped back under the covers.

  Igloo sipped the coffee. It was unmistakably the Guatemalan roast she’d bought a few days ago, but there were flavors she hadn’t noticed before. She took another sip. “That’s marvelous. How did you—”

  “I never give away my secrets.”

  Essie curled up next to her and Igloo stroked her neck, wondering what it would be like to wake up like this every day. Then her alarm went off. She hit her phone with one hand.

  “I have to get going in a few.”

  Essie stroked Igloo’s stomach and ribs.

  Igloo could feel herself getting wet again, suddenly hungry for another round. “I guess I can be late.”

  She climbed on top of Essie, pinning her hands while she explored Essie’s body with her mouth. She hit snooze twice more before she finally gave up and turned the alarm off.

  An hour later, they were both satisfied, and Igloo had given up on the idea of a timely arrival at work. Morning sex beat meetings any day.

  “It must be nice,” Essie said, “showing up whenever you want.”

  “I guess,” Igloo said. “I mostly do what I want. Benefit of being one of the founders.”

  “Sounds amazing.”

  Igloo thought about the months of boredom, interspersed with the pressure of high-stakes, off-hours hacking, and Angie’s growing distance. “Sometimes.”

  “I get chewed out if I’m five minutes late for my shift,” Essie said. “But I like working part-time.”

  Igloo sipped her coffee, enjoying the feeling of Essie nestled on her chest. “What do you want to do? You can’t work at a coffee shop forever.”

  “Photography. I was starting to establish myself in Maryland before I moved. Now I need to get some clients here. But I’m too distracted by kink. I want to do all the things.”

  Igloo laughed. “I know the feeling.”

  “Plus, I have a secret.” Essie turned over and hid her face in the pillow.

  “Tell, tell.” Igloo tickled Essie just above her hip.

  “I secretly want to be…” The details were lost in the pillow as Essie smothered her mouth.

  “What?” Igloo said, ramping up the tickling.

  “A housewife,” Essie screamed, pulling her face out of the pillow. “There, I said it. My mother would kill me if she knew. ‘I didn’t send you to college for four years to be someone’s servant’ is what she told my sister when she got married.”

  “Oh.” Igloo tried to imagine having someone at home to take care of everything. The idea was strangely arousing. Maybe there was time for round three? She glanced at her phone. “Oh, shit, I really have to go. I hate to…”

  “No problem. I’ll get dressed. I can Uber home.”

  Igloo hopped in the shower, and by the time she was back in her room, after a few short minutes, Essie was fully clothed.

  “My ride’s gonna be here in a minute.”

  Igloo gave her a kiss and was already thinking ahead to when she’d see her again.

  “Let’s check in tomorrow,” Essie said. “Thanks for last night.”

  “Yeah, it was great.” She gave Essie one last hug and watched as she walked down the steps and out to the waiting car.

  She closed the door and her place felt empty.

  Igloo thought back to the way she’d felt after that first night, and rubbed a tear away. Everything had been so full of promise and longing. All she could see back then was the potential of what might come. Now it seemed like she was on the downside, and all she could sense was the loss of everything that was. She wiped her nose and deposited the tissue in the growing pile on her bedside table.

  The next morning, Igloo woke congested from a night of crying. Her head was fuzzy from a lack of caffeine. She lay in bed, then realized that Essie was not going to be bringing her coffee this morning.

  She got up and padded to the kitchen. She couldn’t find the beans. Essie must have reorganized things. It was odd to be a stranger in her own kitchen. She rummaged through cabinets until she found them and got the coffee maker going.

  As the coffee brewed, she thought about Charlotte. Probably if she’d had the distraction of Charlotte last night, things wouldn’t have been as bad. Igloo’s poly friends said the best way to cope with jealousy was a good fuck. Waiting home alone, on the other hand….

  Would Charlotte ever make more time for Igloo? How could she when she already had three other partners? Three nights per week with her life partner, one night each for her other two partners, two nights home alone. Igloo got the occasional special events, like PDX Rated, or random openings in the schedule, but that was about it.

  There was an inherent asymmetry to their connection, because Charlotte was a big deal to Igloo, but Igloo was just a random play partner to Charlotte.

  She didn’t have any answers.

  She poured herself a mug of coffee and got back into bed with her laptop. She’d work from home today, at least until Essie returned.

  Her stomach started to grumble at she worked. But Essie had promised to be home by nine, so she’d wait for Essie to eat.

  Nine came and went. Igloo got more coffee and forced herself to keep working and not think about the time. She was making some breakthroughs in the garlic routing algorithms. They were small ones, but the network traffic congestion problems were improving, the cases where the entire simulation would meltdown getting rarer. Progress at last.

  Eventually Igloo heard the front door. She glanced at the time. Ten-thirty. An hour and a half past the time Essie had promised to be home.

  She gritted her teeth and returned to her code.

  She heard the front door open, and a few minutes later the bedroom door creaked. Essie bounded over to the bed.

  Igloo stared at her computer screen, determined not to show any neediness, although she wanted a hug and a cry.

  Essie stood next to the bed, full of energy and smiling. “Hi! I missed you.”

  “One sec, I’m just finishing this line.” She made a feeble attempt at the code and gave up.

  Essie climbed onto the bed next to her. “I love you.”

  Igloo searched for the words to say back, but they wouldn’t come. There was just emptiness and pain where her love for Essie should be. She set her laptop aside and reached out to pull Essie close.

  But when Essie nuzzled her neck in return, Igloo found herself leaning away. That much affection just made her feel uncomfortable. She wanted to be close to Essie, but…

  “What’s wrong?” Essie asked.

  “Everything!” The word came out choked with emotion. She tried to steady her voice. Why was she so afraid?

  “I love you, you know that right?”

  Igloo shrugged.

  “I will always love you.”

  “It’s fucking hard to watch you bounce in here all happy.”

  “If you’d set up a date with Charlotte, it would go easier for you”

  “I tried!” Igloo yelled, unable to keep from reacting with anger. “You know that. Every time I want to see her, she’s either not available or she cancels on me.”

  “Don’t get angry at me,” Essie said. “It’s not my fault your partner sucks.”

  Igloo gritted her teeth and tried to keep from screaming. She settled for clawing at the bed.

/>   “I’m sorry.” Essie tried to pet Igloo, but Igloo pulled away.

  Essie sighed. “Look, nothing happened between Michael and I.”

  “What do you mean nothing happened? You slept over. And now you’re all smiling and happy. You don’t wake up here bouncing with energy in the morning.”

  “I mean, we didn’t have sex or anything. Although we didn’t exactly sleep either. After dinner we went back to his place, and he taught me to weld.”

  “To weld?”

  “Yeah. And to cut steel with an angle grinder. Holy shit, that is fun as fuck. Although look at my arm.” Essie pulled back her sleeve to reveal skin marked with dozens of tiny red burns. “The sparks went right through my shirt. But Michael lent me one of his to wear.”

  Anger and hurt welled up inside Igloo. She had no words for what she was feeling, but the emotions flooded her until she was so overwhelmed that she went numb. She turned over onto her side.

  “I’m sorry,” Essie said, rubbing her shoulder. “I love you just as much as before I went. I’m home. I missed you, and I’m excited to see you.”

  “You’re excited because you saw him. It has nothing to do with me.” Fuck, Igloo hated herself. Why couldn’t she just get over her jealousy? She should be excited for Essie, not a quivering mess. She wanted Essie to be excited for her when she went out with Charlotte, and yet here she was doing the same thing to Essie that she complained about Essie doing to her. Poly was a stupid, lousy idea.

  “I’m not going to lie, it was fun. But now I’m here with you.”

  “It’s like he’s here in the room with us.”

  Essie lay down next to Igloo and tried to curl up with her. “You be the little spoon.”

  “I can’t handle this. You don’t know how hard it is to lie here all night long and think about you being there with him.”